Take This Job and.......
Did you know that it if you get another job offer you automatically start to do things that could get you fired at your previous job? It's called the "what-are-they-going-to-do? Fire-me?" condition. No really! It's a medical fact. A real live disease! See I'll prove it: (Insert bogus scientific facts here....)
So now you believe me right?
Fine, don't take my word for it. You just watch...it'll happen to you.
I got an offer from "BAD ASS COMPANY WHO TREATS THEIR EMPLOYEES LIKE HUMANS" on Friday. I was driving at the time. Nearing wrecked the freaking truck when they quoted my salary. I had to button my lip; lest they find out I would have taken less and been happy with it. God forbid they find out that they are totally overpaying me. Not that my skills aren't worth like millions, but hey no body has ever offered to pay me WHAT I'M WORTH before. I thought it was a dead gesture. Like chivalry. Or (for some very unlucky women) foreplay.
I had to call the hubby and ya know, clear it through him. *I knew I was gonna take the job, just wanted to brag about how much I'll be making first.* You should have heard the profanity, (the shocked happy kind) that came out of his mouth when I told him what I would be making hourly. Just a little side note: It's more on base pay than he makes on overtime. Yup, you can say it, I'M A GODDESS!!
By the way: He is totally secure in his masculinity and is cool with me making more than him. Kinda. Hee hee.
When I called HR CHICK back and told her I would take the job she totally didn't remain professional but got all giddy about it. *RWR* (cock head to the side and put on blank confused face like Scooby Doo).
She proceeds to regale me with tales of the interview panel's impressions of me. Apparently, I am exactly what they were looking for. They wanted to hire me on the spot, but because of the whole *equal opportunity* and *hiring process* thing they had to wait but I was always at the top of the short list. She said when I told her that I needed to call my husband they were afraid I would turn the job down and that's why she was giddy now that I had accepted. Hmmmmm....
Maybe I should have held out a little longer...think they would have ponied up for more cash if I had? Wonder if they wanted me that bad?? Ahhh what if....
Anyhoo. Couldn't WAIT to put in my notice at ASSJOCKEYS 'R' US. Called and got the email addy of the HR WITCH later that afternoon and put in my two weeks notice, exactly three hours after verbally accepting the offer from COMPANY EXTRORDINAIRE. I am not laurel-sitter! No sir-ee.
Since then I have taken off work when I shouldn't have, been late from breaks and lunches (like one minute, but hey for this ANAL group, it counts) and have been a roaming visitor to some of my favorite blogs while using company computer terminals on the weekends. NO JUDGEMENT. Yeah that means you! It's totally dead here on weekends and I can only nap so much. *shhhh* Don't tell anyone. Oh yeah, wait.
"What are they going to do? Fire me?" Please!!! I am just here to collect a paycheck for the next two weeks 'til I leave this hell-hole for a haven of employment.
Ok, so time to gush about the new place. They have casual dress. So yeah! No spending my hard-earned cash on more clothes to work in. Totally makes sense! NOBODY is going to see me on the phone. They need to hear my voice, which will be a lot happier if I am wearing my comfy jeans instead of worrying about slacks that crawl up my crack. Sorry for the VISUAL, but hey, it's a nice ass, so lucky you.
They pay you more money to pay for your medical benefits. So like hardly any money toward my medical fees. Ummm... Oh Oh! Fitness center on site for employees! Home girl will be sweatin' the calories off my hips 'stead of eating my way through the cafeteria (which they also have) during lunch.
Discounts on their products: Nice ones. And these are great products. I know you have seen the commercial of the silhouette dancing around with the headphones in? Yeah those.
So long story short (too freaking late) I have a medical condition that makes me not give a crap about my job but this will be cured miraculously on May 22, 2006. Good to know it's only a temporary malady huh?
© 2006 CM
I would like to second that nice ass comment.
Posted by
Anonymous |
May 10, 2006 8:07 PM