Comming to Terms with It.....
I have spent the last few weeks getting used to the anger and sense of betrayal I felt when my friend demoted me in her wedding party. I have found myself over the last few days looking past her myspace page and wanting to pop in a comment to say hi and then realizing that I am supposed to be mad at her. Really though, I don't want to be mad. And to be honest, not talking to her for the last little while has not effected my life much in the long run. Maybe she was right to choose someone who is closer to her. Someone that she talks to or sees everyday and someone that if they had a patch like she and I have had recently that she would notice more than I have.
Most of the anger I think was put there by being asked and then being UN-asked. Not the most pleasant situation you know. But I have to give the girl a little bit of slack. More than I have been giving anyway. At least right now. Planning a wedding is tough stuff. Not everyone is going to get what they want, including the bride, and it's hard to deal with that I guess. Having been married for a while I forgot the total chaos and upheaval that my life was in while planning my own wedding. Let's see, in just a few days all of this happened:
1. My sister accused James of child abuse.
2. My future in-laws witnessed my sister trashing them.
3. My bridesmaids gave my toast because my maid of honor refused.
4. My sister kicked my aunt in the bathroom at my reception, because she was told she was being a bitch (Which she was.)
5. In every wedding picture I have my maid of honor is frowning, except those that she took with her friends.
6. A person I barely know asked to be seated with my family in the wedding and asked if she could walk down with MY MOM!!
7. I had to kick this person out of the bridal room when getting ready for the wedding. MORE THAN ONCE.
8. Out of 150 confirmed guests: only 75 showed up.
9. The sausage burnt for the reception.
10. My great uncle kept my grandmother talking and she was late to the wedding. We had to hold the wedding for her and my grandfather to get there.
11. My mom was kidding around and told me that the groom skipped out, I cried my eyes out until she fessed up. RIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING. I got married with puffy eyes, but it was okay because I was crying during the whole wedding anyway.
12. I was crying during the ceremony so hard that I had a hard time getting the words "I take you as my husband." out of my mouth.
13. I had a huge fight with my sister the night before the wedding right outside the reception hall where I told her that I thought her marriage wouldn't last a year, but I helped her more than anyone else at her wedding and why couldn't she do the same for me?
14. Some of my flowers froze in the walk-in fridge that we put them in.
15. My dad couldn't be found for the father-daughter dance, so I had to do it later.
16. My neighbor flirted with and tried to steal everyone's husbands at the reception.
17. I was so pissed at my sister and the lack of people that had confirmed that I threw back three successive shots of tequila and then proceeded to get roaring drunk like an hour later.
18. THEN...on my first anniversary where I was supposed to eat my cake top: I couldn't find it becuase my mom had switched mine and my sister's. So she ate my top on her anniversary and I was NOT about to eat hers!! Hello? Remember I didn't think her marriage would last.
But even with all of that, it was beautiful day. The ceremony was wonderful and the food was perfect. I didn't speak to my sister for a long time after my wedding for all the stuff she pulled either.
I think on this score I can afford to be a little bit generous. I am still upset that she doesn't make the effort but maybe I just need to put this friendship on the "we catch up every now and then" pile and go from there.
I do have plans to go out with James and three other friends on Thursday night where we will meet up with five or six other friends and maybe that will all turn out well.
I do need to find someone that I have more in common with. Someone who likes to go out and do things but at the same time loves to be home. I am reconnecting with someone I knew a long time ago as well on Thursday and I missed her. She and I REALLY need to get together more often than we do.
With kids it's hard to keep friendships going. When do you have the time? Especially with people who don't have kids.
And it's really a catch 22 because if your friends have kids then they have a hard time getting out without them just like you do and if they don't have kids then you are the one who is holding everyone up and they don't understand your world cause they don't have little munchkins running around.
Ah....cest la vie!
© 2006 CM
Most of the anger I think was put there by being asked and then being UN-asked. Not the most pleasant situation you know. But I have to give the girl a little bit of slack. More than I have been giving anyway. At least right now. Planning a wedding is tough stuff. Not everyone is going to get what they want, including the bride, and it's hard to deal with that I guess. Having been married for a while I forgot the total chaos and upheaval that my life was in while planning my own wedding. Let's see, in just a few days all of this happened:
1. My sister accused James of child abuse.
2. My future in-laws witnessed my sister trashing them.
3. My bridesmaids gave my toast because my maid of honor refused.
4. My sister kicked my aunt in the bathroom at my reception, because she was told she was being a bitch (Which she was.)
5. In every wedding picture I have my maid of honor is frowning, except those that she took with her friends.
6. A person I barely know asked to be seated with my family in the wedding and asked if she could walk down with MY MOM!!
7. I had to kick this person out of the bridal room when getting ready for the wedding. MORE THAN ONCE.
8. Out of 150 confirmed guests: only 75 showed up.
9. The sausage burnt for the reception.
10. My great uncle kept my grandmother talking and she was late to the wedding. We had to hold the wedding for her and my grandfather to get there.
11. My mom was kidding around and told me that the groom skipped out, I cried my eyes out until she fessed up. RIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING. I got married with puffy eyes, but it was okay because I was crying during the whole wedding anyway.
12. I was crying during the ceremony so hard that I had a hard time getting the words "I take you as my husband." out of my mouth.
13. I had a huge fight with my sister the night before the wedding right outside the reception hall where I told her that I thought her marriage wouldn't last a year, but I helped her more than anyone else at her wedding and why couldn't she do the same for me?
14. Some of my flowers froze in the walk-in fridge that we put them in.
15. My dad couldn't be found for the father-daughter dance, so I had to do it later.
16. My neighbor flirted with and tried to steal everyone's husbands at the reception.
17. I was so pissed at my sister and the lack of people that had confirmed that I threw back three successive shots of tequila and then proceeded to get roaring drunk like an hour later.
18. THEN...on my first anniversary where I was supposed to eat my cake top: I couldn't find it becuase my mom had switched mine and my sister's. So she ate my top on her anniversary and I was NOT about to eat hers!! Hello? Remember I didn't think her marriage would last.
But even with all of that, it was beautiful day. The ceremony was wonderful and the food was perfect. I didn't speak to my sister for a long time after my wedding for all the stuff she pulled either.
I think on this score I can afford to be a little bit generous. I am still upset that she doesn't make the effort but maybe I just need to put this friendship on the "we catch up every now and then" pile and go from there.
I do have plans to go out with James and three other friends on Thursday night where we will meet up with five or six other friends and maybe that will all turn out well.
I do need to find someone that I have more in common with. Someone who likes to go out and do things but at the same time loves to be home. I am reconnecting with someone I knew a long time ago as well on Thursday and I missed her. She and I REALLY need to get together more often than we do.
With kids it's hard to keep friendships going. When do you have the time? Especially with people who don't have kids.
And it's really a catch 22 because if your friends have kids then they have a hard time getting out without them just like you do and if they don't have kids then you are the one who is holding everyone up and they don't understand your world cause they don't have little munchkins running around.
Ah....cest la vie!
© 2006 CM
That is so big of you to cut your friend some slack. But even when you do, you'll have to be the one to preserve the friendship. the guilt factor from the other side factors in.
One of my closest friends of forever was supposed to help throw my baby shower and she didn't even show up, nor did she let me know that she wasn't going to show up. WTF? We finally talked about 4 months later and all she said was that her life got really crazy. Hello. a phone call would have done. Now we talk maybe once a year and the talks are great, but it will never be more than that.
Whatever happened to friendships like Grace and Nadine from Grace Under Fire???? I want that. Or Ellie and Connie from For Better or For Worse??? I want that?
How do we get that in today's busy busy weird world?
Posted by
Anonymous |
May 03, 2006 1:43 PM
That is so big of you to cut your friend some slack. But even when you do, you'll have to be the one to preserve the friendship. the guilt factor from the other side factors in.
One of my closest friends of forever was supposed to help throw my baby shower and she didn't even show up, nor did she let me know that she wasn't going to show up. WTF? We finally talked about 4 months later and all she said was that her life got really crazy. Hello. a phone call would have done. Now we talk maybe once a year and the talks are great, but it will never be more than that.
Whatever happened to friendships like Grace and Nadine from Grace Under Fire???? I want that. Or Ellie and Connie from For Better or For Worse??? I want that?
How do we get that in today's busy busy weird world?
Posted by
Anonymous |
May 03, 2006 1:43 PM
I really wouldn't try to justify her actions. Really.
This same thing happened to me a few years ago, and I felt like the biggest sucker - my feelings were so hurt. Reading your entries about this - I could feel your pain. It brought lots of feelings back.
I was friends with this girl for years, like we met when we were 12 years old or around there, and we stayed friends thru college - and she came to visit me frequently when I moved out of state...of course I am in FL so I am sure, at some point, I just became a free place for her and her friends to crash, now that I look back on it.
Anyway - she was getting married - (she had been a bridesmaid in my wedding several years ago) and I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for her. So, a few months pass and I hadn't heard much - we live 1500 miles apart, so I phoned her and emailed her - asking her about details. She emails me, asking if instead I would do a reading at her ceremony. I was disappointed, but I was trying to understand, as wedding planning can be stressful. I agreed. A few more months pass, and I am trying to plan my trip. I can't remember if I emailed her first or if she emailed me, but it turned out that she had "demoted" me once again. This time she asked if I minded handing out the programs at her ceremony, at the beginning as people were walking in. I was floored - so hurt. But you know what? I went. I attended her wedding, I not only handed out the wedding programs, but I also greeted guests at the reception and made sure they signed the guestbook and got a wedding cd of songs the bride & groom put together as a favor/souvenior for guests. My husband and I ate, mingled a little, and left early.
And you know what - we travelled 1500 miles - so we made it into a vacation. The night prior to the wedding, everyone in the party or out of town guests were invited to the rehearsal dinner party, but we didn't go. I told her that we would not be in town until later that night - yet we actually arrived in her city (a very cool touristy place) a couple days prior, and we had plenty of time to attend. But, instead, we used her wedding as an opportunity to have a get-away (we left our daughter with my parents for a few days). I felt like that was my way of getting back at her - I played my role at her big day, but I made a quick exit and had fun in her city. No thanks to her.
Since that time, it has been about 3 or 4 years, we have grown farther apart - emailing once in awhile sharing family pictures, but things have never been the same. Funny thing, I had always tought she was selfish and self-centered, a bit spoiled. But the day she demoted me and made me feel unimportant was my wake-up call.
Just thought i would share this with you.
~L
Posted by
Anonymous |
May 07, 2006 12:40 AM
Your post is so insightful.
I cried during my whole wedding ceremony too.
Let that friend go.
Posted by
Unknown |
May 23, 2006 4:34 PM