The Mommy Questionnaire Series
I ran across a website where they are publishing a parenting book and are asking for submissions of real moms in response to their motherhood questions. I decided to do this in a series on my blog as well as submit to the company. So the first in this series of in depth looks into my life as a mom.
Question #1. How has your relationship with your children's father changed after you became a mother?
James and I were not married nor were we living together when I conceived Little Man. I was eighteen and had just graduated high school. I had recently gone on a spontaneous trip for my graduation with my sister to the coast. Texas State, which was then Southwest Texas State University had just sent my confirmation of my dorm assignments for the coming fall semester. I was working almost constantly and was looking forward to going away to college and at the same time racking my brain on how I would pay for it. On top of all of that I was in love with a married man.
Whoa! Before you barbecue me... He was waiting on final divorce papers before I even started seeing him.
You see, James had made a classic mistake. He married someone that he cared about because he wanted to get out of our small town and she was in the military and going to California. He wanted to get out of Hickville and he cared about her so he didn't want to lose her. Result? He married her. Not the best decision and made in haste, but hindsight and all that right?
Well, for many reasons, some of which only the two of them are aware of, the marriage did not work and he moved out. From what I gather from him, he started to look for me again.
In case you didn't know, he and I have known each other all our lives and dated when we were in high school. Because of my age and my parents view on our relationship we only dated for a short time, but continued to be friends and really care for one another. In fact, he recently told me that he loved me even when he married his first wife. He broke my heart and that sucked, but I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah...
James started California. He finally found my high school's website which had my picture from the school play in it along with teacher contact information. Now, we lived in a small town so when this teacher got the email she took it to my next class for me. Viola!
We found each other and spent a few months talking on the phone, running up his long distance bill and chatting online until the wee hours of the morning for me and late night for him. He planned a vacation to Texas around Christmas time and when his job told him he couldn't have the entire time off, he quit.
Packed up his truck with as much as it could hold and moved back home. We started seriously dating and getting to know each other again.
Upon learning that I was pregnant we moved in together to parent the child as a unit and to go through the pregnancy together. We deliberately decided not to get married as a result of our child though. We both felt that we were not ready to be married to each other and that if we made that decision right then it might be as a result of pressure from society rather than a sense of what was best for us and the baby.
As my pregnancy developed we were still in the getting to know you phase and we hit a lot of bumps in the road. I think we came out okay for the most part though.
When Little Man came along everything changed. One of the things I remember most about my labor is that James spent the whole time sitting beside me, holding my hand with his head on the bed. Just helpless because he couldn't relieve the pain I was going through. My mom was a little difficult but I had a fantastic nurse who informed her that she was making the situation more stressful. She was even asked to leave the room at one point.
When Little Man was born, before they even had the baby ready for the cord cutting, he leaned down next to my ear and whispered "thank you". Those are the most powerful, life changing words I have ever heard.
James spent every night and all day in the hospital with Little Man and I. While I would be resting he would lie down on the little cot in the room with Little Man and just stare at him. I remember him playing music in the room and singing to the baby.
If I had not been in love with him before, this would have sealed the deal.
James stayed home with us the whole first week and then went back to work. He was always there to put in more than his share of the time with the baby and he relieved a lot of my stress getting into a routine with the baby while still getting well.
James and I didn't actually get married until Little Man was two. Our son was our ring bearer. We had a few problems in those two years and some of them were major enough that we almost ended our relationship. I think one of the main things that kept us from making that mistake was our son. It would have been very easy to end our relationship had we not had him.
We loved each other, but we would have both gone our separate ways had we not had that firm, permanent reason to stick it out and try to work on our relationship rather than just give up. Most couples have all the legal stuff to go through if they divorce. It is having to deal with each other and your lives and having that cooling off period that keeps them together. We were not in that situation and our commitment was our son.
Having children has changed me as a woman and James as a man. It has made me a better person and yet have made my life chaotic in ways only another parent can understand.
We now have three children, Little Man who is five years old today and Ms. Personality who will be 2 years old in two days, and Miracle Babe who is 11 months. They are my world and they have the ability to bring out the best parts of James and I. That's how they changed our relationship. They make us better people which in turn, makes us better spouses.
© 2006 Crystal Morales
Question #1. How has your relationship with your children's father changed after you became a mother?
James and I were not married nor were we living together when I conceived Little Man. I was eighteen and had just graduated high school. I had recently gone on a spontaneous trip for my graduation with my sister to the coast. Texas State, which was then Southwest Texas State University had just sent my confirmation of my dorm assignments for the coming fall semester. I was working almost constantly and was looking forward to going away to college and at the same time racking my brain on how I would pay for it. On top of all of that I was in love with a married man.
Whoa! Before you barbecue me... He was waiting on final divorce papers before I even started seeing him.
You see, James had made a classic mistake. He married someone that he cared about because he wanted to get out of our small town and she was in the military and going to California. He wanted to get out of Hickville and he cared about her so he didn't want to lose her. Result? He married her. Not the best decision and made in haste, but hindsight and all that right?
Well, for many reasons, some of which only the two of them are aware of, the marriage did not work and he moved out. From what I gather from him, he started to look for me again.
In case you didn't know, he and I have known each other all our lives and dated when we were in high school. Because of my age and my parents view on our relationship we only dated for a short time, but continued to be friends and really care for one another. In fact, he recently told me that he loved me even when he married his first wife. He broke my heart and that sucked, but I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah...
James started California. He finally found my high school's website which had my picture from the school play in it along with teacher contact information. Now, we lived in a small town so when this teacher got the email she took it to my next class for me. Viola!
We found each other and spent a few months talking on the phone, running up his long distance bill and chatting online until the wee hours of the morning for me and late night for him. He planned a vacation to Texas around Christmas time and when his job told him he couldn't have the entire time off, he quit.
Packed up his truck with as much as it could hold and moved back home. We started seriously dating and getting to know each other again.
Upon learning that I was pregnant we moved in together to parent the child as a unit and to go through the pregnancy together. We deliberately decided not to get married as a result of our child though. We both felt that we were not ready to be married to each other and that if we made that decision right then it might be as a result of pressure from society rather than a sense of what was best for us and the baby.
As my pregnancy developed we were still in the getting to know you phase and we hit a lot of bumps in the road. I think we came out okay for the most part though.
When Little Man came along everything changed. One of the things I remember most about my labor is that James spent the whole time sitting beside me, holding my hand with his head on the bed. Just helpless because he couldn't relieve the pain I was going through. My mom was a little difficult but I had a fantastic nurse who informed her that she was making the situation more stressful. She was even asked to leave the room at one point.
When Little Man was born, before they even had the baby ready for the cord cutting, he leaned down next to my ear and whispered "thank you". Those are the most powerful, life changing words I have ever heard.
James spent every night and all day in the hospital with Little Man and I. While I would be resting he would lie down on the little cot in the room with Little Man and just stare at him. I remember him playing music in the room and singing to the baby.
If I had not been in love with him before, this would have sealed the deal.
James stayed home with us the whole first week and then went back to work. He was always there to put in more than his share of the time with the baby and he relieved a lot of my stress getting into a routine with the baby while still getting well.
James and I didn't actually get married until Little Man was two. Our son was our ring bearer. We had a few problems in those two years and some of them were major enough that we almost ended our relationship. I think one of the main things that kept us from making that mistake was our son. It would have been very easy to end our relationship had we not had him.
We loved each other, but we would have both gone our separate ways had we not had that firm, permanent reason to stick it out and try to work on our relationship rather than just give up. Most couples have all the legal stuff to go through if they divorce. It is having to deal with each other and your lives and having that cooling off period that keeps them together. We were not in that situation and our commitment was our son.
Having children has changed me as a woman and James as a man. It has made me a better person and yet have made my life chaotic in ways only another parent can understand.
We now have three children, Little Man who is five years old today and Ms. Personality who will be 2 years old in two days, and Miracle Babe who is 11 months. They are my world and they have the ability to bring out the best parts of James and I. That's how they changed our relationship. They make us better people which in turn, makes us better spouses.
© 2006 Crystal Morales
So how much older than you is James?
I really enjoy your posts...Very personal and deep.
Posted by
Lisa |
February 06, 2006 11:21 AM
Oops! It's in your bio! Sorry..That isn't bad at all..Mine is three years older than me too.
Posted by
Lisa |
February 06, 2006 11:22 AM
Very nice post.
Posted by
Heather |
February 07, 2006 11:22 PM
I loved your story. How does the family like him now?
Posted by
Unknown |
February 08, 2006 1:17 PM